Adventures in Legion Land
by PriestessOfNox
Summary: A random spoof of our Legionnaire as Alice in Wonderland characters. Clark as Alice, Brainy as the Green Rabbit, Lyle the Chesire Cat & so much more! 2 Queen of Hearts for the price of 1! Pop culture references and characters cursing the author! Slash!
1. Version 1

09/24/09

Happy 4th day of Clark+Brainy Week! We've gotten many nice submissions on deviant art so far and I'd like to take this moment to thank them for their participation. THANK YOU!

This is the non-Beta Read version. Tomorrow I shall post the Beta-Read version which is much more iambic due to my AWESOME Beta-Reader FunkyFish1991.

This was born from a conversation with SaintAsh when viewing her AWESOME Legion of Superheroes in a Wizard of Oz picture scenario for the LOSH fan club on deviant art. She said she'd draw me a pictures every 2 pages, and it's 22 pages (double spaced), I am very excited.

ENJOY!

Adventures in Legion Land

A Random Spoof brought to you by Randomness.

Alice - Clark

_Green_ Rabbit - Brainy

Cheshire Cat - Lyle

Talking Door/Rocking Horse Fly/Flamingo - Chameleon Boy

Twiddle-Dum - Lightning Lad

Twiddle-Dee - Light Lass

Pat (employee of Brainy) - Bouncing Boy

Bill (employee of Brainy) - Timber Wolf

Flowers - Dream Girl, XS, Dawnstar and Element Lad.

Caterpillar - Cosmic Boy

Mad Hatter - Phantom Girl

March Hare - Saturn Girl

Dormouse - Shrinking Violet

Queen of Hearts - Alexis

Queen of Hearts - Emerald Empress

Playing Cards painting roses - Triplicate Girl

Other Playing Cards - Woodhouse, Tharok, Validus, Mano and The Persuader

What am I forgetting? Oh yes, the "No Duh" Disclaimer. I do not own Legion of Superheroes, Justice League or any related characters. They belong to DC, the WB. I also do not own Alice in Wonderland. The only thing that belongs to me is this story. ENJOY!

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Clark sat under a tree after finishing his chores, scratching his cat Sparky behind the ears when he heard something stir. Sitting up, much to Sparky's whining, he saw a green rabbit, which was really quite surprising. With neighbors such as his it wouldn't surprise him if a local boy painted the rabbit for a trick, Clark thought he better catch it and wash it off quick before the rabbit tried to clean itself and make itself sick.

When Clark leaped forward to catch it the rabbit jumped away, but Clark went after it, intent on washing the green away. Not looking where he was going, eyes on his prize, he fell into a hole the rabbit jumping down after him and landed on his head shouting "Surprise!" which made Clark not believe his eyes.

The hole was quite big and quite large; Clark couldn't see the bottom and no longer the top, couldn't reach the sides, he really wanted it to stop. Along beside him, as he continued to go down, floated by furniture, glasses and other such things, even an evening gown and golden rings.

No longer content to sit still, the rabbit jumped off onto a nearby window sill. It few down like an elevator and Clark thought that the rabbit must be very clever.

Clark continued to fall, this was really much too much. If he continued to fall, he was going to lose his lunch.

"This attempt at rhyming is really quite boring, in fact I might as well be snoring," said voice from thin air, then appeared a boy in a black suit with an "i," a tail, cat ears and brown hair, he had just finished eating pie.

"The rhyming is just for fun," Clark tried to reason.

"Priestess is not Dr. Seuss; it's all a bad pun," the boy laughed; he didn't believe that rhyming was in season. He grabbed a floating lever and turned the rhyming off. "Maybe now the story will manage to get done."

"So what is going on?" Clark asked, protesting with a "Hey!" when the boy took his glasses and tossed them away.

"The lever most be broken but I guess occasional rhyming is okay," said the boy and took a black ribbon from a girl's vanity. "I'm the Cheshire Cat and you're Alice for this little make believe play."

When Cheshire Lyle tried to put the ribbon in his hair, Clark batted the hand away.

"Don't be ridiculous, I don't have time today."

"You really don't get a say," said Cheshire Lyle; he thought this game was okay.

Clark landed at the bottom of the whole at last, on a old fashioned couch with a instinctual "ow" for he really didn't feel pain; he didn't know how. Then his eyes fell on the rabbit, which barely looked like the rabbit any more.

The rabbit was now shaped like a human, though still admittedly green, with long blond hair, magenta eyes and long green rabbit ears on the top of his head. He wore a purple suit and pulled out his watch and said, "I'm late for an important date," with much dread.

As the rabbit ran off, all Clark could do with stare.

"If you won't be Alice, I'll do it instead," said Cheshire Lyle, moving to put the ribbon on top of his own head. "I'll follow Brainy Rabbit and have him date me instead."

"Give me that," Clark snatched the ribbon from Cheshire Lyle, putting it on with a frown, not a smile.

Cheshire Lyle grinned and pulled out a short blue dress with a white apron, stockings and shiny black shoes.

"Now for the rest of the-"

"No," Clark stated, crossing his arms.

"It's not like I'm asking you to be Dorothy," Lyle commented. "Then again, we'd never get your hair in those braids…"

"Lyle," Clark's voice was flat with seriousness.

Tossing the dress, Lyle rolled his eyes and changed Clark's red vest to blue.

"I guess this will have to do."

Lyle disappeared until all was left was his smile, when that was gone Clark ran off after the rabbit who could have been gone by a mile.

Soon Clark came across a room with a table and a very small door, in fact the door was seeming to snore. He kneeled down beside it and knocked gently upon it.

"What do you want?" asked the door with a growl, opening his big green eyes.

"I'm looking for a green rabbit, have you seen him?" asked Clark.

"He went through me not a few minutes before," said the door.

"But how? You're too small," said Clark.

"You're too big," the door, changing from wood to iron. "Drink the bottle on the table."

Clark went over to the table and picked up the bottle with a label that said "drink me". He turned to the door.

"How do I know this isn't drugs?"

"It's Alice in Wonderland; of course it's drugs!" Cham door rolled his eyes.

"Lewis Carroll didn't do drugs," Clark downed the bottle and grabbed the key.

"Hey! You're suppose to forget that and cry an ocean of tears," Cham protested.

….

"You're right, I'm sorry," Cham returned to being made of wood.

When Clark was finished shrinking he used the key to unlock the door and head go through.

The other side of the door was a huge forest of unusual looking trees. A little further a head is a small house.

Heading towards it, Clark's path was stopped by a pair of oddly aged, and differently gendered set of red headed twins.

The boy, who's outfit was decorated with lightning, was about the same age as Clark while the girl, who's outfit had a monkey on a rocket on her chest, lighting on one sleeve and a arrow pointing upwards on her other sleeve, looked about ten or younger. They jumped into reflected poses, standing on the leg closest to each other and having their other leg pointed outwards like a ballerina and their arms up and curled like monkeys. The girl was smiling brightly while the boy was trying not to look pained.

"I am Tweedle-Lightning," the boy grumbled.

"And I am Tweedle-Light!" the girl cheered.

"Isn't it supposed to be Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee?" Clark mistakenly asked them.

The full lightning scar over Tweedle-Lightning's left eye flashed.

"Are you saying I'm dumb?!"

"No, of course not," Clark was quick to say.

"So you think my sister's dumb?!" Tweedle-Lightning stomped out of his pose, lightning crackling around him.

"No; got to go," Clark ran past them, as quick as the Flash.

"Hey, I did not say you could pass!" Tweedle-Lightning gave chase, throwing lightning after the ribbon haired boy.

"Garth, we're supposed to tell him a story!" Tweedle-Light ran after him.

"No stories for 21st century jerks!" Tweedle-Lighting declared, losing Clark when he hid among some rubber trees.

When the close was clear, and after much wandering around, Clark found a small house from within which came a large sound. Smoke came from the windows and Clark rushed inside. Inside the house, he found a surprise.

There were wires and computers and contraptions of unknown function. And in the middle of which, putting out the flames, was the Brainy Rabbit who thought the flames were quite lame.

"I'll get that Cheshire Lyle is he messed with my experiments again! Now I'm going to be even more late!"

Clark stepped forward, making a floorboard creak.

Brainy Rabbit heard him but didn't turn around to take a peak.

"There you are Mary Ann, go fetch my gloves; they're upstairs."

Wandering who Mary Ann was, Clark absently went up the stairs to fetch the gloves. He found them by some breath mints and, wanting to make a good first impression, took one and popped it into his mouth.

In his stomach there was a rumble and then he began to grow. He grew bigger and bigger, arms out the windows and legs down the stairs.

Outside, Brainy Rabbit asked, "When did Colossal Boy get here? …Bouncing Boy, Timber Wolf, I have to go. Please help him shrink back down."

Watching him through a window, Clark wanted to shout "No" but felt too ashamed due to his sudden growth.

Coming up with a ladder a boy resembling a wolf was followed by a ball like boy with black hair who was dragging his feet.

"Brainy's Employees; Pat and Bill _the lizard_. Couldn't Priestess think of better roles for us?" the black haired boy whined.

"Bouncing Boy, would you have preferred being _flowers_ in the next scene," asked the wolf boy.

Bouncing Boy immediately straightened.

"Read you loud and clear Timber Wolf!" He bounced onto the roof.

"Why did I bother with the ladder?" Timber Wolf asked, putting it down.

Walking around, Bouncing Boy peered into the house once he found a window and spoke to Clark, "Hey Clarky, eat a carrot!"

Clark blinked, "What?"

"In the story Alice ate a carrot to shrink down," Timber Wolf jumped up to join Bouncing Boy at the window.

"Aren't you supposed to try and burn me out?" asked Clark.

"Are you nuts?! With all of Brainy's gizmos in there we'd be blowing Legion Land sky high!" declared Bouncing Boy.

"What's wrong with that?" asked Clark.

"He means blow us up, not send us to super hero high school," Timber Wolf pointed out.

"Oh, point taken," Clark nodded, shaking the house and moved his hand around in the garden beside the house. He found a carrot and ate it; shrinking to three inches high. Groaning, he ran out of the house, trying to catch up with Brainy Rabbit.

"Honey, we shrunk Earth's greatest hero," grinned Bouncing Boy.

"Not funny," said Timber Wolf, jumping down from the roof. "Refer to old movies on your own time."

"You're no fun," Bouncing Boy fake pouted.

Soon enough Clark got lost in a patch of flowers.

"My, what do we have here?" asked a flower with white petals, blue eyes and leafs that looked like clouds.

"I'm not sure Dream Girl but it looks like an unusual sort of flower," said a flower with black petals, a star on it's 'forehead' and wings for leafs.

"Looks like someone already tied a ribbon on it, Dawnstar," said a flower with brown petals that moved around as if trying to pull itself from the ground and run away. The veins on her leafs seemed to form the words 'XS'.

The fourth flower, whose petals changed colors and leafs changed from regular leafs, to water shaped leaves to rocks and other things turned to the third flower, drooping slightly.

"XS, why am I even here?"

"Because Priestess heard you were gay in some of the comics," said XS, smiling.

"It's just amusing to her, don't feel too bad about it Element Lad," said Dream Girl, using her cloud leafs to pat his stem sympathetically.

"What kind if flower are you anyway?" Dawnstar turned to Clark questioningly.

"I'm not a flower, I'm a-" Clark began.

"Weed!" the girl flowers shrieked as Element Lad let out a unenthusiastic "oh noes".

Before Clark knew it he had been tossed out.

"What just happened?"

"You got your butt handed to you by a bunch of girls! … And Element Lad," laughed Cham, now an orange rocking horse fly.

Grumbling, Clark stood and brushed himself off before heading off again. After a moment he realized that Cham was following him. He swerved left, then right, then tired to rush off but the rocking horse fly persisted in his pursuit. He swung around and put up his hand in a "stop" gesture.

"Stalker no stalking!"

"Oh man!" Cham whined before fluttering away.

Once sure that he was gone, Clark continued on his way until he came across a big mushroom. He climbed up for a better view but found it already had an occupant.

Grumbling to himself was a purple caterpillar with four white circles around his neck and black hair. He was chewing on the end of a hookah but not smoking on it.

"Stupid Priestess… Leaders of super powered teenagers don't smoke… Cosmic Caterpillar indeed… Give her a piece of my mind…"

Clark walked up to him.

"Excuse me, have-"

The Cosmic Caterpillar turned on him.

"Who are you?"

"Clark Kent. I-"

"Superman?" asked the Cosmic Caterpillar.

"Well technically I'm Alice in this," Clark began again.

"Nice hair ribbon," the Cosmic Caterpillar smirked.

Taking in a deep breath, Clark tried again.

"Have you seen the Brainy Rabbit or know how I can turn back to normal size?"

The Cosmic Caterpillar frowned and pleaded upwards, "Please don't make me-"

"Do it!" boomed a voice from above.

"Stupid Priestess," the Cosmic Caterpillar grumbled.

There was a puff of smoke from the hookah that encased the caterpillar. Then it cleared he was a butterfly.

"I'll get her for this," the Cosmic Butterfly swore before turning to Clark. "Eat the mushroom. One size makes you bigger, the other makes you small!"

With that the Cosmic Butterfly flew away as fast he could, wanting to be out of this ridiculous spoof.

Not knowing which size was with, Clark took pieces from each side of the mushroom. Hesitantly, he licked the first piece and he grew so big her towered over the trees. He licked the other side and returned to his normal size.

"Finally!" Clark cheered and put the two pieced in separate pockets for further use. "Now to find that Cutey Bunny" He blushed. "I mean Brainy Rabbit!"

Thankful that he couldn't see the readers, Clark headed in the direction he thought the Brainy Rabbit had gone in.

There was a whistle.

"Wrong way, no brain!"

Clark swung around and saw the Cheshire Lyle grinning at him.

"You! Tell me where Brainy Rabbit is!"

His tail swishing about in delight, Cheshire Lyle shook his head, "No."

When the human with cat features started to laugh, Clark gave chase.

Easily avoiding him, Cheshire Lyle flew off, slowly turning invisible until nothing but his head remained.

"Cheer up Super_boy_."

The Cheshire Lyle was gone when Clark tried to tackle it.

Laying on the ground again, Clark sighed.

"It will be worth it when I catch the Brainy Rabbit…. It will be worth it."

When Clark stood, he could hear music. Heading towards it he found a house with a outside tea party with a large table with dozens of chairs but only three two sitting at the middle of the table.

To the left was a girl with long black hair, wearing a black and white suit, typically for men, with a black phantom button clipped onto the white ruffle of her shirt. She also had on a big black top hat with a white ribbon around it and the size card still stick in the side. She stood on her chair, singing loudly as she poured tea to her companion.

Said companion was a girl with long blond hair and pink eyes who wore a pink, red and white petticoat, and long jacket. A pink Saturn button was clipped to the white ruffle of her shirt like the phantom of the first girl. She drank her tea elegantly, not even bothered by her yellow rabbit years.

"And a very merry un-birthday toooooooooooooooooooooo Saturn Hare!" the black haired girl finished, posing dramatically.

"And many more!" squeaked a small figure on the table. She had short black hair with a green flower in it and wore a green dress with downwards arrows in the front of it. She also had mouse ears, whiskers and a tail.

Saturn Hare applauded them.

"Thank you Hattie, the mad Phantom, and Shrinking Dormouse."

Since the song was over, Clark approached them.

"Excuse me, do you-"

"Move down, new chair!" cried Hattie, grabbing Clark as they ran down the table and sitting him down between himself and Saturn Hare. "Tea?"

"Ah, sure," began Clark, holding up his teacup.

Hattie took off her hat and poured the tea into it, the bottom disappearing so the tea goes into the cup.

"Sugar?"

"Yes, two please."

Hattie kissed Clark's cheeks.

"No more sugar for you. I have a boyfriend."

Blushing, Clark moved to drink his tea.

"What brings you here?" asked the Saturn Hare.

"Oh, I'm looking for a green rabbit. Have you-" Clark began, putting down his tea.

"Move down, new seat!" declared Hattie.

Saturn Hare pushed Clark to follow Hattie to their new seats, abandoning their tea.

"As you were saying?"

"Ah, have you seen the Brainy Rabbit?" asked Clark quickly.

"Oh twinkle, twinkle, big dark knight,

How you give the villains quite a fright.

With him you're quite a star.

World's finest is what you are," the Shrinking Dormouse recited and the two other girls applauded.

Clark applauded as well before trying again.

"So have you seen him?"

"Seen who?" asked Saturn Hare.

"The green-" Clark began.

"Move down, move down, new seat!" declared Hattie.

This time when they moved down Clark rushed away.

"Man, that could have taken the story forever if I waited for an answer from them!" He looked around. "Where am I?"

"Lost," commented the very familiar voice of the Cheshire Cat.

"You again. Go away, you're no help," Clark tried to shoo him away.

"Not even if I do this?" Cheshire Lyle pulled on a tree branch like a lever and the tree opened up like a door, showing a candy flower garden on the other side.

"Is this a trick?" asked Clark.

"Do you want to stay in the woods?" asked Cheshire Lyle.

…

Walking through, Clark hoped he wasn't going to regret this.

All around him were edible plants that were mostly flowers in the form of roses. Still there was a tree with a licorice trunk, peppermint leafs and marshmallow blossoms. The red roses smelt like strawberries, the pink of watermelon and… the _green_ roses were sour apple.

"Did I wonder into a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory spoof?" Clark wondered out loud.

"If you did it would be Clark and the Brainiac Five Chocolate Factory," tweeted a Robin with glasses in the branches of a small tree with cotton candy leafs.

"No author insertion," Clark scolded.

"It's far too late for that," the Robin sang merrily before looking at him with a narrowed gaze and spread out wings as she loomed above him. "Continue your observations!"

Clark instantly noticed that even the weeds sprouted a few after dinner mints, which Clark picked and put in his left pocket with the little bit of mushroom from when he met the Cosmic Caterpillar… the Cosmic Butterfly now.

"I'm not in the story anymore, don't talk about me," shouted Cosmic Butterfly, flying past the garden above Clark's head.

"Party pooper," the Robin muttered.

Ignoring them, Clark continued on his way through the garden, hoping to find someone to ask for directions soon.

Soon enough he came upon three identical, but differently colored girls, painting white roses with a red sugar glaze. One had white hair and eyes and her clothes said Three of diamonds. The second one had purple hair and eyes and her clothes said Three of Spades while the third one had orange hair and eyes with said that had the Three of Clubs on them.

"Why are you painting the roses red?" Clark asked.

"So the Queen doesn't chop of our heads," the girls replied.

Clark blinked.

"She'd chop of your head over roses?"

"She likes to do it," said the Orange Three of Clubs.

"She looks for any excuse," said the Purple Three of Spades.

"If we don't fix this, our gooses are cooked," pouted the White Three of Diamonds.

"No one likes coconut flavored candy anyway," said Orange Three of Clubs, sticking out her tongue with a "bleh".

"Then let me help you," said Clark, picking up a spare brush in the can of glaze.

"So… what kind of deck are you from?" Purple Three of Spades fluttered her eyelashes at him.

Bouncing Boy bounced by shouting, "No flirting!"

Purple Three of Spades pouted as White Three of Diamond stuck her tongue out of her.

Near by a trumpet sounded.

"The Queen!" the Three cards gasped, rushing together and falling to their knees to bow.

Clark thought it was only proper to do the same.

"All bow to her majesty the Queen of Hearts!" shouted a familiar voice.

Ears perking, Clark looked up.

"The rabbit!"

Not hearing him, Brainy Rabbit indifferently picked one of the pink roses from a near by bush and pulled off a petal with his teeth to eat it.

Other Cards approached before Clark could stand:

Tharok; Five of Spades. Mano; Nine of Clubs. Persauder; Ten of Spades. Validus; Ace of Clubs. And Woodhouse; Jack of diamonds.

Then, approaching together was the Queen… the Queens?

The girl to the left had long red hair, green eyes and freckles as she dressed in a pink elegant gown decorated with red hearts and black buckles. She also wore a golden tiara with a red heart in the center.

Beside her was a older girl with longer green hair, green eyes and a giant green eye floating alongside her. She wore a green corset top with a long black skirt that looked like it was covered in scales of upside down hearts and a red heart was on her silver crown.

Clark turned to the Three of Cards asking, "Which one is the Queen?"

"I am!" both women shouted.

Clearing his throat, Brainy Rabbit stepped forward.

"Since the Queen of Hearts is based upon a playing card and, typically, card has a Queen so she's facing upwards no matter what vertical way you hold it there are two figures standing as Queen though they the same entity. So to speak in this scenario."

The Brainy Rabbit as about to continue but trailed off when he finally noticed Clark, cheeks tinting a slightly darker color.

Though still laying on the ground from his bow, Clark blushed as well.

"So… what happened to the King of Hearts?"

The Queens chuckled.

"It was so…. _Tragic_." Alexis Queen of Hearts smirked.

"Not really," Emerald Empress Queen of Hearts laughed.

Getting the feeling it was probably was best not to anger them, Clark didn't comment and continued to hold Brainy Rabbit's gaze.

Tharok cleared his throat, a bit grudgingly.

"Your _highnesses_, the plot."

"Oh yes…" Queen Emerald Empress turned violently towards the Threes. "Who's been painting my roses red?"

"Not us!" the Three's cried.

"You should have been painting them green," Queen Emerald Empress seethed.

"Off with their heads for not painting them pink!" ordered Queen Alexis.

"Pink? Green is better," argued Queen Emerald Empress.

"Green? I beg to differ," Queen Alexis rolled her eyes.

"I can definitely make you beg," Queen Emerald Empress threatened.

"With or without your big bad eye? I swear, you're useless without it," Queen Alexis retorted.

"Unlike you, who is constantly worthless," Queen Emerald Empress sneered.

As the Queens argued and cat fought, the Threes ran away.

Tharok rolled his eyes and coughed again.

"The plot, _ladies_."

After zapping him with her Eye of Ekronland, Queen Emerald Empress turned to Clark.

"Now what do we have here?"

"It's a boy," Queen Alexis grinned before turning to the Jack of diamonds and snapping her fingers. "Woodhouse!"

The robotic card tipped forward, in his way of nodding, politely replying, "Straight away my Queen," lifted Clark to is feet and brushed him off.

Walking over Queen Alexis looped her arm with his and began to pull him further into the garden, not even noticing Brainy Rabbit's glare.

"Tell me boy, do you play crochet?"

Though he was trying to remember his Pa's lessons of always being polite when escorting a lady, Clark tried to look back at Brainy Rabbit.

"My name is Clark and I have before, but was a long-"

"Excellent," Queen Emerald Empress exclaimed, taking hold of his other arm as her floating Eye blocked his vision of Brainy. "Let the games begin."

In a flash of cards that Clark could barely register seeing a game was set up in a small open field, a few of the cards remaining in place to hold onto the small gateways that teleported the ball onto different locations of the playing field.

This was definitely not a crochet Clark recognized.

"I'll go first," Queen Emerald Empress announced.

Brainy Rabbit came over with a green flamingo, handing it to Empress.

Snatching it from his hand, Emerald Empress whistled and her Eye floated to the ground before her. She barely tapped it and the eye zoomed across the playing field, going through all the teleporters, arriving at different parts of the playing field and still going.

When the Eye finally stopped, Queen Alexis went over to Woodhouse and pressed on his chest, taking out a mechanical ball with glowing lights and a flamingo shaped remote. She dropped the ball, which floated it before her, and used the remote to direct the ball through all the teleporters the eye did, plus one. She smiled charmingly at Queen Emerald Empress's glare and waved with her fingers.

"Your turn," Brainy Rabbit told Clark, now standing beside him.

Clark seemed to forget how his mouth worked as Brainy Rabbit gently put a orange flamingo in his hand; their fingers touching.

Not pulling back, Brainy Rabbit whispered, "Let them win."

It was possible that Clark could have formed syllables if the orange flamingo hadn't dragged him to the orange that awaited him.

…

"My ball is an orange?" Clark questioned.

"Better then a porcupine, right?" asked Cham, the orange Flamingo.

"Cham! I said no stalking," Clark reminded him with a growl.

"Writer overrules you," Cham managed to grin with a beak.

"Darn it priestess," Clark grumbled, stepping forward to hear a loud squish. "That can't be good."

The cards and Queens laughed as Clark looked down at what remained of his orange.

"Nothing rhymes with orange," said Cham.

Clark glared at him.

"I'm just saying," Cham shrugged his wings.

A familiar laugh joined the others as Cheshire Lyle appeared floating beside them.

"Were you always this much of a athlete Ribbon Boy?"

His glare intensified on the grinning, partially invisible human cat.

"Go away Lyle."

Pretending to be sad, Cheshire Lyle pouted.

"That wasn't very nice of you boy scout. Just for that…"

The prankster disappeared and reappeared beside Queen Alexis, whispering in her ear, "Clark likes Brainy Rabbit better then you," before disappearing again.

Laughter dying, Queen Alexis swung around and pointed at Brainy.

"Off with his head!"

"We're supposed to try to behead the would be Alice," the emerald Queen reminded her.

"I don't care! If I can't have Clark then no one can," Queen Alexis stomped her foot, fists clenched at her sides.

The cards started to circle around Brainy Rabbit.

Quickly, Clark reached into his pockets and ate both mushrooms. When he grew to tremendous heights most of the cards ran away and he shooed Validus away before picking up Brainy Rabbit. He managed to get a step before he returned to his normal size and toppled backwards with Brainy landing on his lap.

Still, Clark couldn't help but grin as he sat up and held Brainy Rabbit.

"I don't think they'll find us for a while."

Smiling, Brainy Rabbit wrapped his arms around Clark's neck.

"That sounds correct."

They started to lean closer together when Brainy Rabbit mewed.

---------

When Clark opened his eyes Streaky was right in his face mewing, batting at his nose with the pads of his paws. He groaned and shooed Streaky away before feeling a warmth against his other side.

Turning he saw Brainy nestled against him, dozing lightly with a hand strewn across his chest. Even in sleep he was smiling softly.

With his own smile Clark wrapped an arm around him and gazed at the clouds passing by, allowing Brainy to dream on for a bit longer.


	2. Version 2

09/25/09

Happy 5th day of Clark+Brainy Week!

Here's is the second and last version of this story.

Adventures in Legion Land

A Random Spoof brought to you by Randomness

This was born from a conversation with SaintAsh when viewing her AWESOME Legion of Superheroes in a Wizard of Oz picture scenario for the LOSH fan club on deviantArt.

Alice - Clark

_Green_ Rabbit - Brainy

Cheshire Cat - Lyle

Talking Door/Rocking Horse Fly/Flamingo - Chameleon Boy

Twiddle-Dum - Lightning Lad

Twiddle-Dee - Light Lass

Pat (employee of Brainy) - Bouncing Boy

Bill (employee of Brainy) - Timber Wolf

Flowers - Dream Girl, XS, Dawnstar and Element Lad.

Caterpillar - Cosmic Boy

Mad Hatter - Phantom Girl

March Hare - Saturn Girl

Dormouse - Shrinking Violet

Queen of Hearts - Alexis and Emerald Empress

Playing Cards painting roses - Triplicate Girl

Other Playing Cards - Woodhouse, Tharok, Validus, Mano and The Persuader

What am I forgetting? Oh yes, the "No Duh" Disclaimer. I do not own Legion of Superheroes, Justice League or any related characters. They belong to DC, the WB. I also do not own Alice in Wonderland. The only thing that belongs to me is this story. ENJOY!

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Clark sat under a tree after finishing his chores, scratching his cat Streaky behind the ears when he heard something stir. Sitting up, much to Streaky's whining, he saw a green rabbit, which was really quite surprising. With neighbors such as his, it wouldn't surprise him if a local boy had painted the rabbit for a trick, so Clark thought he had better catch it and wash it off quick before the rabbit tried to clean itself and made itself sick.

When Clark leaped forward to catch it, the rabbit jumped astray – but Clark went on after it, intent on washing the green away. Not looking where he was going, his eyes fixed on his prize, he fell right down into a hidden hole in the ground. The rabbit jumped down after him and landed on his head, grinning and shouting "Surprise!".

The hole was very big and quite wide; Clark couldn't see the bottom and no longer the top, and though he desperately wanted to stop he couldn't reach the sides. Alongside him as he continued to go down, furniture floated past, along with glasses and other such things, even an evening gown and three golden rings.

No longer content to just sit still, the rabbit jumped off his head onto a nearby windowsill, which started to fly down like an elevator, and Clark thought that the rabbit must have been very clever.

Clark continued in his fall, and felt this was much too much. If he kept on falling so fast like this, he was going to lose his lunch.

"This attempt at rhyming is really quite boring; you know if I weren't so polite I would be snoring," a voice rang out as though from thin air – then appeared a boy with wild brown hair, in a black suit with an "i", a cat's tail and ears, and holding in his hand a slice of blueberry pie.

"The rhyming, you see, is just for fun," Clark calmly tried to reason.

"Just wait – the fun has just begun," the boy laughed; Clark didn't know that rhyming just wasn't in season. He grabbed a floating lever and pulled it rapidly down, and the rhyming turned off.

Mostly.

"Maybe now the story will get finished."

"So what's going on?" Clark asked, protesting with a loud "Hey!" when the boy took his glasses, and tossed them away.

"The lever must be broken, but I guess occasional rhyming is okay," said the boy and took a black ribbon from a floating girl's vanity. "I'm the Cheshire Cat, Lyle, and you're Alice for this little make-believe play."

When Cheshire Lyle tried to put the ribbon in his hair, Clark batted the hand away.

"Don't be ridiculous, I don't have time today."

"You really don't get a say," said Cheshire Lyle; noticing his own rhyming in dismay.

Clark landed at the bottom of the hole at last, on an old fashioned couch with an instinctual "Ow!". He didn't really feel any pain; though he didn't know why and didn't know how. Then his eyes fell on the rabbit, running across the floor, but really it barely looked like a rabbit anymore.

The rabbit was now shaped like a human instead, though it still indeed was green, with long blond hair, magenta eyes, and long green rabbit ears on top of his head. He wore a purple tweed suit, from which he pulled a watch and said, "I'm terribly late for an important date": his face was filled with dread.

As the rabbit ran off, all Clark could do was stare.

"If you won't be Alice, I'll do it then," said Cheshire Lyle, moving to put the ribbon on top of his own head. "I'll follow Brainy Rabbit, and have him date me instead."

"Give me that," Clark snatched the ribbon from Cheshire Lyle, putting it on and ignoring the other's smile.

Cheshire Lyle grinned and pulled out a short blue dress, with a white apron, matching stockings and shiny black shoes.

"Now, for the rest of the costume."

"No," Clark stated, crossing his arms. "I don't wear brocade."

"It's not like I'm asking you to be Dorothy," Lyle commented. "Then again, we'd never get your hair into a braid…"

"Lyle," Clark's voice was flat with seriousness.

Tossing the dress, Lyle rolled his eyes and changed Clark's red vest to blue.

"Well then if you're gonna be difficult, I guess this will have to do."

Lyle slowly faded from sight, until all was left was his smile, and when that was gone Clark ran after the rabbit, who by now could have traveled a mile.

Soon Clark came across a room with just a table and a very small door, which did, upon closer inspection, in fact seem to _snore_. He knelt down beside it on the floor and gently knocked, with eyes open wide.

"What do you want?" demanded the door, grumpily opening big green eyes; his tone was positively snide.

"I'm looking for a green rabbit – have you seen him?" Clark asked of the door.

"He went through me not a few minutes before."

"But how? You're far too small!" said Clark.

"No, you're too _big_," The door changed to iron from wood. "You gotta drink the bottle on the table, understood?"

Clark approached the table with a nervous tread. He saw it quick and picked it up, a little glass bottle: "Drink Me", the label read. He turned to the door.

"How do I know this isn't drugs?"

"It's Alice in Wonderland; of course it's drugs!" Cham Door rolled his eyes.

"Lewis Carroll didn't do drugs."

Even though he knew it was very unwise, Clark downed the bottle and grabbed the key from the table top.

"Hey! You're supposed to forget that and cry an ocean of tears," Cham protested in shock.

…

"You're right, I'm sorry,"

Cham returned to being made of wood as Clark shrunk right down small. He unlocked Cham Door and walked on through, just barely two inches tall.

The other side of the door was a forest of unusual-looking trees. A little further ahead was a small house, shutters swaying in the breeze.

Heading towards it, Clark's path was stopped by a pair of oddly aged (and differently gendered) set of redheaded twins.

The boy, whose outfit was decorated with lightning, was about the same age as Clark, while the girl, whose outfit had a monkey on a rocket emblazoned on her chest, lightning on one sleeve and a arrow pointing upwards on her other sleeve, looked about ten. They jumped into mirror poses, standing on the leg closest to each other and having the other pointed outwards like a ballerina, with their arms up and curled like monkeys. The girl was smiling brightly while the boy was trying not to look pained.

"I am Tweedle-Lightning," the boy grumbled.

"And I am Tweedle-Light!" she cheered.

"Isn't it supposed to be Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee?" Clark mistakenly asked them.

The full lightning-shaped scar over Tweedle-Lightning's left eye flashed. "Are you saying I'm dumb?!"

"No, of course not," Clark was quick to say.

"So you think my sister's dumb?!" Tweedle-Lightning stomped out of his pose, lightning crackling around him.

"No, no; I've got to go," Clark ran past them, as quick as the Flash, feeling especially dim.

"Hey, I didn't say that you could pass!" Tweedle-Lightning shouted and gave chase, throwing lightning after the ribbon-haired boy in their deadly race.

"Garth, we're supposed to tell him a story!" Tweedle-Light ran after the pair, before her brother went berserk.

"No stories for 21st century jerks!" Tweedle-Lighting declared, losing Clark when he hid among some rubber trees.

When the coast was clear, and after much wandering around, Clark found the house again, from within which came a loud sound. Smoke poured out from the windows and with a start, Clark rushed inside, covering his nose.

Once he entered the house, he found a surprise.

There were wires and computers and contraptions inside, in the middle of which, crossly putting out the flames, was the Brainy Rabbit – who knew just who to blame.

"I'll get that Cheshire Lyle, if he messed with my experiments again! Now I'll be even _later_, that boy is such a pain!"

Clark stepped forwards, and made a floorboard creak. Brainy Rabbit heard him, but didn't turn to peek.

"There you are, Mary Ann, go fetch my gloves; they're upstairs in my room."

Wandering who Mary Ann was, Clark absently went up the stairs to fetch the gloves. He found them by some breath mints and, wanting to make a good impression, he took one and popped it into his mouth.

In his stomach there was a rumble and then he began to grow. He grew bigger and bigger, arms out the windows and legs down the stairs below.

Outside, Brainy Rabbit asked, "When did Colossal Boy come round? … Bouncing Boy, Timber Wolf, I really have to go. Please help him shrink back down."

Watching through a window, Clark wanted to shout "No!", but held his tongue 'cause he felt ashamed about his sudden growth.

Up a ladder came a wolfish boy with an oddly passive glare, who was followed by a ball like boy with spiky short black hair, and who was dragging his feet behind.

"Brainy's employees; the _lizards_ Pat and Bill. Couldn't Priestess think of better roles?" the stout black-haired boy whined.

"Bouncing Boy, if you want to be a _flower_ next scene, you most certainly will."

Bouncing Boy straightened. "Read you loud and clear, Timber Wolf!" With that all done, he puffed himself up, and bounced onto the roof.

"Why did I bother with the ladder?" Timber Wolf asked the air.

Walking around, Bouncing Boy peered into the house once he found a window to use, and spoke to Clark, "Hey Clarky, eat a carrot!"

Clark blinked.

"What?"

"In the story Alice ate a carrot to shrink herself back down," Timber Wolf jumped up to join Bouncing Boy, still wearing a frown.

"Aren't you supposed to try and smoke me out?" asked Clark, with a kind of relieved sigh.

"Are you nuts?! With all of Brainy's gizmos in there we'd be blowing Legion Land sky high!"

"What's wrong with that?" asked Clark, with a little pout.

"He means blow us up, not send us to superhero high school," Timber Wolf pointed out.

"Oh, point taken," Clark nodded, shaking the house a bit. He put his hand in the garden and rummaged about for a carrot. He found one soon and ate it up; shrinking to three inches small. Groaning, he ran out of the house, trying to catch up with Brainy Rabbit once more.

"Honey, we shrunk Earth's greatest hero," grinned Bouncing Boy, performing a cheerleader mime.

"Not funny," said Timber Wolf, jumping down from the roof. "Refer to old movies on your own time."

"Oh, you're no fun," his friend fake pouted, and bounced away with his powers.

It was a short time later Clark found a field, and was soon lost amongst giant flowers.

"My, my, what do we have here?" asked a flower with white petals and cloud-like leaves.

"I'm not sure, Dream Girl, but it looks like an unusual sort of flower," said one with a star on its 'forehead' and wings instead of leaves.

"Looks like someone already tied a ribbon on it, Dawnstar," said a flower with brown petals, that wiggled around as if trying to pull itself right out of the ground. Of course poor Clark could only guess, but the veins on her leaves seemed to spell 'XS'.

The fourth flower, whose petals changed colors each moment, and whose droopy leaves changed from water to stone, turned to the third flower, drooping a little more, with a discontented groan.

"XS, why am I even here?" he asked.

"Because Priestess heard you were sometimes gay," said XS, smiling in a mischievous sort of way.

"It's just amusing to her; don't feel too bad, it really could be worse, Element Lad," Dream Girl soothed the other gently, patting his stem with her cloud leaves in sympathy.

"What kind of flower are you anyway?" Dawnstar turned to Clark in question.

"I'm not a flower –" Clark began with a dumbfounded expression.

"Weed!" the girl flowers shrieked as Element Lad let out a feigned panicked shout.

Before Clark knew what had even gone wrong, he'd been pushed away by the flowers and tossed right out.

"What just happened?" Clark asked with a sigh.

"You got your butt handed to you by a bunch of girls! … And Element Lad," Cham laughed, now an orange rocking horse fly.

Grumbling, Clark stood and brushed himself off before heading on his way again. After a moment he realized that Cham was following him. He swerved left, then right, then tried to rush on, but when he turned the rocking horse fly was just never gone. He swung around and put up his hand.

"Stalker no stalking!" he said.

And Cham whined before fluttering away, while muttering; "Oh, _man_!"

Once he was sure the fly was gone, Clark continued on his way, until he came across a big mushroom, which he stared at in dismay. He climbed up top for a better view, but when he'd completed his stunt, he looked across and saw with shock that it already had an occupant.

Grumbling to himself, a purple caterpillar was there, with four white circles around his neck and shiny pitch black hair. He was chewing on the end of a hookah but didn't seem to smoke it.

"Stupid Priestess… leaders of superpowered teenagers don't smoke… _Cosmic Caterpillar _indeed… give her a piece of my mind…"

Clark walked up to him with a bit of fear. "Excuse me, Sir, but I'm trying to find –"

The Cosmic Caterpillar turned on him. "Who are you?" he barked.

"Clark Kent. I –"

"Superman?"

"Well, technically I'm Alice in this," Clark remarked.

"Nice hair ribbon," the Cosmic Caterpillar smirked.

Taking in a deep breath, Clark just tried again.

"Have you seen the Brainy Rabbit, or know how I return to normal size?"

In reply the Cosmic Caterpillar grumpily narrowed his eyes. He lifted his head and pleaded, "Please don't make me –"

"Do it!" came a booming voice above.

"Stupid Priestess," the Cosmic Caterpillar grumbled, and dropped his head back down.

A puff of smoke from the hookah encased the caterpillar. When it cleared he was a butterfly, and he was still wearing that frown.

"I'll get her for this," the Cosmic Butterfly swore before turning to face Clark. "Eat the mushroom. One size makes you bigger, the other small, good luck!"

With that the Cosmic Butterfly fled as fast he could fly, wanting to be out of this ridiculous spoof of mine.

Not knowing which one was which, Clark took pieces from each mushroom side. Hesitantly, after counting to three, he licked the first – and grew so big in size, that he towered over the trees. He licked the other and returned to normal with enormous relief.

"Finally!" Clark cheered, putting the pieces in separate pockets just by force of habit. "Now to find that Cutey Bunny," He blushed. "I mean, Brainy Rabbit!"

Thankful that he couldn't see the readers, ducking his face from sight, Clark headed off in the direction that he was sure was right.

There soon was a whistle, and then a whistle again, and a voice sounded from behind:

"That's the wrong way, no brain!"

Clark swung around and saw the Cheshire Lyle grinning there, scratching at one of his ears.

"You! Tell me _now_ where the Brainy Rabbit is!"

With his tail swishing about in delight, Cheshire Lyle shook his head, "No."

And when the catlike human started to laugh, Clark gave chase as he took flight.

Easily avoiding him, Cheshire Lyle flew off, slowly fading from view, until nothing but his head remained, and Clark's desperation grew.

"Cheer up Super_boy_," came the parting jibe.

The Cheshire Lyle was gone, as Clark tackled with a spectacular dive.

While lying on the ground again, Clark cheered up a little bit.

"It'll be worth it when I catch the Brainy Rabbit…. I know that it'll be worth it."

When Clark stood up, he was very dizzy, but was pretty sure he could hear music. He decided to trace it and finally found a house having a fancy picnic. No, in fact it was a tea party; a large table with dozens of chairs (though only two were seated, right in the middle there) and Clark couldn't really help but stare.

To the left was a girl with long black hair, wearing a black and white tuxedo, and a black phantom button was clipped on her chest onto shirt ruffles as white as snow. She also had on a big black top hat with a white ribbon wrapped around, with the size tag still stuck on its side, Clark quite quickly found. She stood on her chair and sung very loudly as she poured her companion some tea.

Said companion was a girl with long blonde hair and pink eyes, who wore a pink, red and white petticoat, and a long jacket with ribbons on it that hung down to her thighs. A pink Saturn button was clipped to the ruffle of her shirt just like her peer's, and she drank her tea quite elegantly, not bothered by her yellow rabbit ears.

"And a very merry un-birthday toooooooooooooooooooooo Saturn Hare!" the black haired girl finished, posing dramatically with her arms in the air.

"And many more!" squeaked a small figure on the table. She had short black hair the color of sable, into which a green flower was knit, and wore a green dress with arrows pointing down the front of it. She had mouse ears, mouse whiskers and a tail, which she started with the utmost joy to flail.

Saturn Hare applauded the pair, and wiping a tear, she did declare: "Thank you sweet Hattie, the mad, Mad Phantom, and Shrinking Dormouse, dear."

Since the song was over, Clark approached the three with curiosity sincere.

"Excuse me, do you –"

"Move down, new chair!" Hattie cried, grabbing Clark and seating him between her and Saturn Hare. "Tea?"

"Ah, sure," Clark began, holding up his cup.

Hattie took off her hat and filled it up, the bottom disappearing so the tea fell through and down right into his cup.

"Sugar?"

"Two please."

Hattie kissed Clark's cheeks.

"No more sugar for you. I have a boyfriend, you see."

Blushing, Clark started drinking his tea, but suddenly noticed a curious stare.

"So what brings you here?" asked the Saturn Hare.

"Oh, I'm looking for a green rabbit. Have you-" Clark explained, putting down his cup, which he'd already drained.

"Move down, new seat!" declared Hattie suddenly.

Saturn Hare pushed Clark to their new seats, totally abandoning their tea.

"As you were saying?" she prompted once more, clasping together her hands.

"Ah, well, have you seen the Brainy Rabbit, perchance?"

"Oh twinkle, twinkle, big dark knight,

How you give the villains quite a fright.

With him you are quite a star.

World's Finest is what you are," the Shrinking Dormouse recited and the two other girls applauded their friend.

Clark clapped as well before trying again.

"So have you seen him?" he asked the Hare.

"Seen who?" she replied, playing with her hair.

"The green –"

"Move down, move down, new seat, new seat!" Hattie declared, before Clark's question was complete.

This time when they moved Clark rushed away, not seeing any reason to stay.

"Man, that could have taken forever to do if I'd waited to get an answer from those two!" He looked around. "Where am I now?"

"Lost," commented a familiar voice from high above the ground.

"You again, Cheshire Lyle," Clark groaned. "Go away, you're no help; I'll do this on my own."

"Not even if I do this?" and with that, Cheshire Lyle pulled on a tree branch. It swung right down just like a lever and the tree opened up like a door. Clark saw a candy flower garden on the other side, and his jaw fell to the floor.

"Is this a trick?" he inquired after a while.

"Do you want to stay in the woods?" returned Cheshire Lyle.

…

As he walked through the doorway, hardly trusting his vision, Clark hoped he wasn't going to regret this decision.

All around him were edible plants that were mostly flowers in the form of roses. Still there was a tree with a licorice trunk, peppermint leaves and marshmallow posies. The pink roses smelt like watermelon, the red of strawberries, the _green_ roses of sour apple, and the bright blue ones of blueberries.

"Did I wander into a "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" spoof?" Clark wondered out loud. He searched with glee for a chocolate river, or something to use as proof.

"If you did it would be "Clark and the Chocolate Brainiac Five Factory"," tweeted a Robin with glasses, perched in the branches of a tree with cotton candy leaves and dripping with molasses.

"No author insertion," Clark scolded, mostly glad it wasn't the Cat.

"Oh, my dear, it's far too late for that," the Robin sang merrily before narrowing her gaze, and spreading out her wings so they were fully raised. "Continue your observations, don't you mind me at all!"

Clark instantly noticed that even the weeds sprouted after-dinner mints, which had him utterly enthralled. He picked a few to put in his pocket (hoping that was allowed), with a little bit of mushroom from when he met the Cosmic Caterpillar… the Cosmic Butterfly now.

"I'm not in the story anymore, please don't talk about me!" shouted the Cosmic Butterfly, hovering near the branches of the tree.

"Party pooper," muttered the displeased Robin.

Ignoring them in annoyance, Clark continued through the garden, glancing at the candy that all about him was strewn, and hoping to find someone to ask for directions soon.

Soon enough he came upon three identical girls, dressed in different shades, painting white roses with a sticky red sugar glaze. One had white hair and eyes and her clothes said Three of Diamonds, the second one was purple, and her clothes said Three of Spades. The third one had orange hair and eyes, and was the Three of Clubs, she painted very slowly, and seemed in a bit of a daze.

"Why are you painting the roses red?" Clark asked in some surprise.

"So the Queen doesn't chop of all our heads," all three girls replied.

Clark blinked. "She'd chop of your heads over that?"

"She likes to do it," said the Orange Three of Clubs.

"She looks for any excuse," Purple said, quite matter-of-fact.

"If we don't fix this, our gooses are cooked," pouted the Three of Diamonds in White.

"No one likes coconut candy anyway," Orange said, and stuck out her tongue with spite.

"Then let me help you," said Clark, picking up a brush from the glaze-filled can. After all, at home he was quite the handy-man.

"So… what kind of deck are you from?" Purple fluttered her lashes with a pout.

Bouncing Boy bounced past just then. "No flirting!" came his shout.

Purple Three of Spades just pouted more as White stuck out her tongue. Orange just giggled lightly, happily having her fun.

Nearby a trumpet sounded.

"The Queen!" the Three cards gasped, rushing together and falling to their knees to bow, leaving Clark standing, astounded.

Clark thought it was only proper to do the same, and went down to the floor, flinching at a sudden loud noise.

"All bow to her majesty the Queen of Hearts!" shouted a familiar voice.

Ears perking, Clark looked up.

"The rabbit!" he exclaimed in glee.

Not hearing him, Brainy Rabbit picked a rose indifferently, and pulled off a petal with his teeth.

Other Cards approached before Clark could stand, the first announcing the other ones:

Tharok; Five of Spades. Mano; Nine of Clubs. Persauder; Ten of Spades. Validus; Ace of Clubs. And Woodhouse; Jack of Diamonds.

Then, approaching together came the Queen… no, wait, the Queens?

The girl to the left had long red hair, freckles and eyes of green. She wore an elegant pink gown decorated with black buckles and hearts of red. She wore a golden tiara in the center of which was another heart around her head.

Beside her was an older girl with longer pale green hair, she had green eyes and a giant green eye floating along beside her. She wore a green corset top with a long black skirt that looked like it was covered in scales shaped like upside down hearts and a red heart was on her silver crown, green polish was on her nails.

Clark turned to the Threes of Cards and asked, "Which one is the Queen?"

"I am!" both women shouted, green eyes glaring at green.

Clearing his throat, Brainy Rabbit stepped forward, and spoke calmly and slow.

"Since the Queen of Hearts is based upon a playing card and, typically, the card has a Queen so she's facing upwards no matter what vertical way you hold it there are two figures standing as Queen though they are the same entity. So to speak in this scenario."

The Brainy Rabbit was about to continue but trailed off when he finally noticed Clark, his eyes dropping down to the ground at his feet, and his cheeks turning quite dark.

Though still lying on the floor from his bow, Clark saw this, and was blushing as well now.

"So… what happened to the King of Hearts?"

The Queens chuckled.

"It was so… _tragic_." Alexis Queen of Hearts starts.

"Not really," Emerald Empress Queen of Hearts finished with a laugh.

Getting the feeling it was probably was best not garner their ire, Clark didn't comment, so held Brainy Rabbit's gaze – and just admired.

Tharok, a little grudgingly cleared his throat, and stood up straight in his spot.

"Your _highnesses_," he reminded them. "The plot."

"Oh yes…" Queen Emerald Empress turned towards the Threes. "Who's been painting my roses red?"

"Not us!" came the trio's pleas.

"You should have been painting them green," Queen Emerald Empress seethed.

"Off with their heads for not painting them pink!" Queen Alexis decreed.

"Pink? Green is better,"

"Green? I beg to differ,"

"I can definitely make you beg," Queen Emerald Empress gave her threat.

"With or without your big bad eye? I swear, you're useless without it."

"Unlike you, who is constantly worthless," Queen Emerald Empress sneered, becoming quite red in the face.

As the Queens argued and cat-fought, the Threes ran away post-haste.

Tharok rolled his eyes and coughed again, glancing after the Threes. He cleared his throat and pointed out, "The plot, the _plot_, ladies."

After zapping him with her Eye of Ekronland, Queen Emerald Empress turned to Clark.

"Now what do we have here?" she said with little remark.

"It's a boy," Queen Alexis grinned, (Clark doesn't like the way her gaze lingers) before turning to the Jack of Diamonds and snapping her fingers. "Woodhouse!"

The robotic card tipped forward, his way of nodding as an awkward machine, and said, "Straight away my Queen,"

He lifted Clark to his feet, and brushed off the dust. Walking over, Queen Alexis looped her arm with his. She began to pull him further, deep into the garden, and in the flurry of motion, Brainy Rabbit's glare was missed.

"Tell me boy, do you play crochet?"

Clark couldn't think of what to say. Though he was trying to remember his Pa's lessons of being polite when escorting a lady, Clark kept trying to look back at the glowering Brainy.

"My name is Clark and I have before, but –"

"Excellent," Queen Emerald Empress rebuffed, taking hold of his other arm as she darted in, her floating Eye blocking his vision of Brainy. "Let the games begin."

In a flash of cards that Clark could barely see, a game was set up in a small open field. A few of the cards remained in place to hold onto the small gateways that teleported the ball, which Clark regarded in awe.

This was definitely not the crochet he knew. What had he gotten himself into?

"I'll go first," Queen Emerald Empress announced.

Brainy Rabbit came over with a green flamingo, handing it to the Empress.

Snatching it from his hand, Emerald Empress whistled and her Eye floated to the ground before her long dress. She barely tapped it and off it zoomed, going through all the teleporters, arriving at different parts of the playing field and never stopping short.

When the Eye finally came to a halt, Queen Alexis went over to Woodhouse. She pressed on his chest, and took a mechanical ball with glowing lights and a flamingo-shaped remote. She dropped the ball, which floated before her feet, and used the remote to direct it, before gloating at her feat. The ball went through all the teleporters the Eye did, plus one. She then smiled charmingly at Queen Emerald Empress, who glared in return.

"Your turn," Brainy Rabbit told Clark, now standing beside him.

Clark seemed to forget how his mouth worked as Brainy Rabbit gently put an orange flamingo in his hand; their fingers touching for the briefest of moments.

Not pulling back, Brainy Rabbit whispered, "Let them win."

It was possible that Clark could have formed syllables if the orange flamingo hadn't dragged him to the orange that awaited him.

…

"My ball is an orange?" Clark questioned.

"Better then a porcupine, right?" asked Cham, the orange Flamingo.

"Cham! I said no stalking," Clark reminded him with a sigh of woe.

"Writer overrules you," Cham managed to grin with a beak.

"Darn it Priestess," Clark grumbled, stepping forward to hear a loud squish. "That can't be good," he squeaked.

The cards and Queens laughed as Clark ignored them all, looking down at the pulpy mess that remained of his ball.

"Nothing rhymes with orange," said Cham.

Clark glared at him, thinking some unpleasant things.

"I'm just saying," Cham demurred, shrugging his orange wings.

A familiar laugh joined the others as Cheshire Lyle appeared floating beside them.

"Were you always this much of an athlete Ribbon Boy? Or are you just that dumb?"

His glare intensified on the grinning, partially invisible human cat.

"Go away Lyle," he snapped, not in the mood for that.

Pretending to be sad, Cheshire Lyle gave a pout.

"That wasn't very nice of you, you silly little boy scout. Just for that…"

The prankster disappeared with a grin. He reappeared beside Queen Alexis, and he leaned right in. "Clark likes Brainy Rabbit better then you," he told her happily, before disappearing and laughing merrily.

Her laughter dying, Queen Alexis swung around and pointed at Brainy, whose eyes widened with dread. He was right, of course, for her next words were:

"Off with his head!"

"We're supposed to try to behead the would-be Alice," the emerald Queen reminded her, between two hopeless sighs.

"I don't care! If I can't have Clark then no one can," Queen Alexis stomped her foot, fists clenched by her thighs.

The cards started to circle around Brainy Rabbit.

Quickly, Clark reached into his pockets and ate both mushrooms there. When he grew to tremendous heights most of the cards got quite a scare. They began to flee as Clark shooed Validus away, before picking up Brainy Rabbit, and trying to escape. He managed to get a few steps (a pretty impressive gap) before he returned to normal size and fell back with Brainy in his lap.

Still, Clark couldn't help but grin as he held Brainy Rabbit and sat up.

"I don't think they'll find us for a while,"

Brainy Rabbit wrapped his arms around Clark's neck.

"That sounds correct," he agreed with a smile.

They started to lean closer – when Brainy Rabbit _mewed_.

---------

When Clark opened his eyes Streaky was right in his face, mewing and batting at his nose with the pads of his paws. He groaned and shooed the cat away before feeling a very pleasant warmth against his other side.

Turning, he saw Brainy nestled against him, dozing lightly with a hand strewn across his chest. Even in sleep he was smiling softly.

With his own answering smile Clark wrapped an arm around him and gazed at the clouds passing by, allowing Brainy to dream on for a bit longer.


End file.
